This morning, during a conversation with my father, he very matter-of-factly stated that he does not pay too much attention to the food I make every day and that he just eats what is made with no fuss. I replied, saying, ‘Thanks a lot.’ To be honest, it hurt. It reminded me of an article that author Chetan Bhagat had written in his column in The Times of India in July 2011.
Bhagat wrote a sort of open letter to Indian women after a survey was carried out by Nielsen about how women in our country are the most stressed out in the world. Read his article here if you haven’t already, before proceeding further.
“What are we doing to our women?” Bhagat asks.
Well, Mr Author, the problem is, men (like yourself) aren’t doing anything.
Before you assume that this blogpost is going to be a rant because of what my father said to me this morning, let me stop and correct you. I understand the context in which my father said what he did. And he’s 71 years old. I completely understand.
However, as I said, it reminded me of Bhagat’s column.
At a first glance, I know some women will applaud the writer for his letter, as women are being acknowledged.
But his column talks about everything that is wrong with this world today.
Bhagat says that in a world without women, there would be “body odour, socks on the floor and nothing in the fridge to eat.” Excuse me, but is that why women are born into this world? To rid you of body odour, pick up your socks and put some food in the fridge for you to eat?
Can’t you pick up your own socks? Or have a bath and rid yourself of that body odour? For a change, can you make some food and put it in the fridge?
Our stress doesn’t stem from this. But more on that later. We shall first understand the suggestions that Bhagat gives to reduce stress levels.
“Give it back to that mother-in-law.” I am not married, but from what I hear, it would be a lot nicer if husbands stood up for their wives more often instead of allowing an opportunity to “give it back”.
Second, if my boss does not value me, Bhagat says I should quit. Sir, if my boss is a woman, and she herself is under a lot of stress, what advice would you give her?
I have no complaint about Bhagat’s third suggestion. He is, however, stating something that we already know.
It is Bhagat’s fourth suggestion that makes me cringe and as one of my school teachers used to say, ‘makes my blood boil’. This is also the point that I was reminded of this morning during the conversation with my father.
“…do not ever feel stressed about having a dual responsibility of family and work. It is difficult, but not impossible. The trick is not to expect an A+ in every aspect of your life. You are not taking an exam, and you frankly can’t score cent per cent (unless you are in SRCC, of course). It is okay if you don’t make four dishes for lunch, one can fill their stomach with one. It is okay if you don’t work until midnight and don’t get a promotion. Nobody remembers their job designation on their dying day.”
The dual responsibility of family and work is possible and difficult. We have a world of women doing this. Why is Chetan Bhagat telling us that it’s not impossible? Where did he come flying from to tell us something we already know?
Anyways, even if I do think it is impossible, according to Bhagat there’s a trick out of it! And that’s to not expect an A+ all the time. Hello. But does he really think I expect an A+ when I get up and make breakfast every morning?
We may be stressed, but we are not stupid, Mr Bhagat.
The writer however doesn’t stop here. He goes on to console Indian women, saying, ‘Don’t make four dishes for your family. Make how many ever you can.’ This is where the fundamental problem lies. Not once is Bhagat even suggesting that men (brothers, fathers, husbands, sons) assist the women in the household to relieve them of some stress.
Why don’t you make one dish for lunch instead of telling me that it’s okay not to make four?
“Your neighbour may make a six-dabba tiffin for her husband, you don’t – big deal.” I mean, come on. Mr Bhagat, I think you are watching too much television. No one cares a rat’s backside about how many dabbas the neighbour’s husband is getting. It seems like you care more.
The premise of Bhagat’s column is that women should continue doing what they are doing (probably cook a little less lunch than usual), the men are going to continue to leave their socks on the floor and we should feel absolutely stress-free.
Stress, very often, is self-induced. But there are a lot of external factors that can help address this. Bhagat has very conveniently not touched upon this, saying since it’s the women who are stressed, it’s their problem, let them deal with it, I am doing my duty by telling you to not feel stressed.
Mr Bhagat, you say we Indians have the habit of exploiting those without power. That society puts power above equality and justice. Your entire article is a contradiction. If you want to talk equality and justice, tell the men in the world to get up and make a six-dabba tiffin for their wives.
“We judge, expect too much, don’t give space and suffocate our women’s individuality.” So find a solution to this, instead of telling women to chill and not stress out.
“These regressive attitudes will take a while to change.” Yes, as long as you write columns about picking up dirty socks and body odour, these regressive attitudes will most certainly take a while to change.
“Now smile, before your mother-in-law shouts at you for wasting your time reading the newspaper.” Well, I am no one to judge, but I think the mother-in-law is right. It was a waste of time.
Vaish,
I have to begin with a laughter, at the last line.
You think, as a man, I would take offence at all that you have written, but no, I agree with most of what you have to say with respect to chetan bhagat’s article. However, to generalize issues onto the entire male community is taking it a little too far (if its in response to generalizations by Mr. Bhagat, then its ok).
If on any day, I were to tell my mother “Amma, the brinjal curry is too good”, she would reply “so, what I cooked yesterday wasn’t good?”. Not that I’m implying anything from this, but it just occurred to me after reading about the incident that happened to you in the morning.
Yes, men should take up equal responsibility at home. And I believe, atleast in urban nuclear families, with both the husband and wife working, this is happening. Don’t you think so?
Chetan bhagat needs to stop thinking. He does that a lot these days, calling the face of the Indian IT industry as “people who run body shops”.
bhagat is such a regressive, stupid jerk. glad you wrote this. hope he sees this and gets some sense into his inflated – IITian head.
Bravo! very good response to a nonsense article (I read it only through your post)!
ah! when I got the update, I thought its about your Hyderabad experience!
Well, he pokes his nose into every other matter which I think is absolutely annoying. Why doesn’t he just focus on trying to improve his own writing? (if he wants to remain as author)!
Hope all those mass followers come out of such cheap lessons from him soon! It is a serious threat for sure!
Srik
Well said ! the last thing women need is pseudo sympathy from polished patriarchal men like him!! Mr. Bhagat, you are good at spinning urban melodramas please stick to them.
Thank you all, for your comments.
@Ashok – my responses are specific to Bhagat’s statements. I feel those are the issues that require to be addressed and written about rather than telling women why and how not to stress. About his thinking, well, I don’t think he is thinking too much. It is rather a lack of doing so!
@Aparna – pseudo sympathy – exactly!
Am sure CB would have written the entire article light-hearted without keeping in mind few people who blame him even for supporting women. On the whole it does raise the respect for women(-no doubt!).
@ Bharath – Thanks for your comment. How is the entire article light-hearted? It most certainly does not say anything about supporting women except maybe that women are beautiful and need to be independent. The question about the column raising respect for women is answered in my blog.
Well done Vaish.. Sensible read…..You bounced back with a really NEAT piece…..:)
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Mr. Bhagat’s unsolicited suggestions/advice/books have the rare quality of numbing the brain while stimulating ire. Tough to get that combination!